There is no career counselor in the world who saw this one coming. Not mine, not yours, not the one who handed me a pamphlet about accounting. And yet here we are.
My actual job, on actual Tuesday afternoons, is to look at an illustration of two people suspended from the ceiling… and decide what to call it.
I have been selling sex swings for over fifteen years. I have shipped them to Bolivia, to Cancun, to a man who took his through TSA in a carry-on while his wife walked through a separate security line so no one would connect them. I know more about ceiling joists than most contractors. I have opinions about springs.
And somewhere along the way, someone had to name all the positions. That someone was me.
So let me walk you through how that actually goes.
The Process, Such As It Is
You start with an illustration. Someone is in a swing, legs at an unusual angle, partner in a specific position. Your job is to look at this and find the name that already exists somewhere in your brain, the one that arrives before you can think too hard about it.
The good names come fast. The bad ones you can smell from a mile away: they sound like someone tried to name them. A good position name either describes exactly what’s happening, references something everyone already knows, or makes you laugh just slightly before you can stop yourself.
The ones I’m proudest of? Those happened when I stopped trying.
The Food Category (There Is Always a Food Category)
I did not plan to have a food-themed section of my position library. And yet.
The Buffett is a swing oral position where he is reclined, comfortable, hands completely free, with full access. I named it the Buffett because when you arrive at an all-you-can-eat buffet, you settle in and get comfortable. You are not rushed. You are not thinking about your arms. You are just… there for it.
Then came the Smorgasbord, which is essentially the reverse: her turn, same principle of abundance and leisure. The Sausage Feast is self-explanatory and I will not elaborate further except to say the name arrived in about four seconds and has never been improved upon.
The Sling Buffet is the sling version of the same idea, because apparently I needed a full menu.
Nobody planned the food theme. The food theme emerged. I am at peace with it.
The Ones That Wrote Themselves
The Mermaid Underwater is my favorite story in the catalog. I was staring at an illustration of a position where the guy is floating horizontally, face down, and I could not find the name for it anywhere in the sensible part of my brain. Then I noticed: he looks like he’s snorkeling. Just… floating there, face in the water.
So I asked myself: if he is snorkeling, who on earth could he possibly be sleeping with?
Naturally, a mermaid.
That is the whole story. That is how it got its name. I typed it in, moved on, and have never once second-guessed it.
Then there is the Fidget Spinner: a position rated 10 out of 10 difficulty where she literally spins on him. The name was obvious, the execution is apparently not, and I respect anyone who has actually pulled it off.
The Helicopter exists because the swing actually spins. She lowers herself onto him and rotates. Someone had to acknowledge that. I named it the Helicopter. This required no creative process whatsoever.
The Standing 69: another position that everyone thinks is a great idea until they try it, which is also now the position description, verbatim.
The Ones With a Backstory
The Groper was named by my husband. He named it after himself. He typed up the position description, pointed out that I call him a groper on a regular basis, and suggested this one was clearly on my bucket list. He posted it. I found out later.
He is not wrong about the bucket list part, but I am not confirming that publicly.
The Loophole is named after the Saturday Night Live sketch of the same name, which if you have not seen it, I will not explain it here. You have the internet.
The Quarterback Sneak has a one-sentence description on the site: “When it comes to door swings, this is the go-to anal position, a little lube and just slip it in.” That description was written in about thirty seconds. I have not changed it. There is nothing to add.
Super Bowl Sunday is a sling position where he reclines, she is between his legs, and the description includes: “Bowl of popcorn, TV remote, football on TV.” I stand by every word.
The Movie Fantasy Problem
A significant chunk of these positions exist because of the gap between what looks good in movies and what is physically possible for actual humans.
The Bear Hug: everyone has seen the scene where he sweeps her up and she wraps her legs around him and it is effortless and romantic and lasts longer than six seconds. The swing makes that real. The stirrups take her weight. His arms are free. The fantasy holds.
The Lover’s Embrace: same idea, door swing version. She is pressed against the wall, he lifts her, the swing does the actual work of holding her there. I named this one quietly and without drama because the name was already obvious to anyone who has seen a romantic film in the last forty years.
The Wheelbarrow: this one appears in every mainstream position guide as an illustration of something technically possible. The swing is what makes it not terrible. You are welcome.
The Difficulty Scale Is Also Me
Every position gets rated from 1 to 10 on difficulty. I made the scale. I assigned the numbers. The Fidget Spinner is a 10. The Sling Banger is a 1. The Ballerina is an 8, which the description notes is “not easy, ‘slightly easier.'” That qualifier is doing real work.
Standing 69 got a 9. Partly because it is genuinely hard, and partly because I wrote: “I am not going to lie, it is still not going to be easy” directly into the description, and I felt that required at least a 9.
What I Actually Do All Day
There are forty-plus positions in the catalog now. The food theme runs deeper than I intended. My husband named one after himself. A snorkeling metaphor led to a mermaid. A Saturday Night Live sketch is now official product content.
No career counselor saw this coming. Honestly, neither did I.
But if you are sitting at a desk trying to name something that makes people laugh slightly before they realize it also makes total sense… that is a skill, even if it does not appear on any official list of skills.
The full position library is at sexswing.com, if you want to see the rest of the menu. Difficulty ratings included.